Earlier this year when I shared my story of multiple miscarriages, I didn’t plan a follow-up blog post. That first post was something I felt compelled to write in the hopes that someone else would find comfort in my experience and feel a little less alone in what is often an isolating time. Here we are nine months later and I’m once again compelled to connect with this community about something that’s been on my mind.

Pregnancy after loss. I’m currently in my second trimester. While I’m thrilled to be pregnant and having a ‘normal’ pregnancy, this pregnancy has come with its fair share of ups and downs. After experiencing losses and being labeled ‘high risk’ how could it not.

I wanted to share a couple of things I’ve been doing to help keep me sane these almost 5 months in the hopes that someone will find comfort or an idea they can take into their own pregnancy.

Share your concerns with your nurses, doctors, midwives – whoever is caring for you. While they have your chart in front of them when you walk into that ultrasound room, they don’t necessarily know YOU or how you’re feeling. I’ve grown accustomed to letting them know, “I have a lot of anxiety today” and each time, they immediately check the heartbeat and measure baby and reassure me everything is normal. Then they go on to do the rest of the appointment, but that’s all I need to hear to get my heart rate back down. Same when you have a general checkup. Just this week I let my nurse practitioner know I was a little worried and she was happy to do the heartbeat check first. They GET IT.

Understand this pregnancy is different. At the beginning it was HARD for me to understand why the outcome would be any different. Why would this pregnancy last while the others didn’t?! The ever-wise Sarah Longacre completely understood where I was coming from and shared the following mantra with me when I was only 6 weeks pregnant (when Sarah is your boss, it’s never TMI or too early to share news). Truly I think of it often and have read it before walking into many appointments.

My body is beautiful and strong
My baby is growing perfectly
The universe loves and supports me and my baby

I am preparing for the divine plan of my life to unfold
Pregnancy is natural and normal, safe and divine
My body knows how to give birth and I will let it

I feel calm and relaxed
I send love to my baby
My body is beautiful and strong

Find a supportive provider. I switched providers before this pregnancy. I have truly felt supported! Everyone at my new clinic has been wonderful and has listened to me and made me feel that my concerns, even if potentially irrational, were valid. The number of times I’ve heard ‘good question’ or ‘that must have been hard’ or any number of statements to demonstrate they’re listening, is refreshing. I’ve also been able to come in for extra ultrasounds and visits and not been made to feel paranoid. While my old clinic was great when everything was going well, I didn’t feel supported once I hit some bumps in the road. Find a provider that’ll help you OVER the bumps.

Take your time. I had a small circle that I shared my pregnancy news with and that was about it for a long time. I just wasn’t ready. It wasn’t even that I wouldn’t have shared if I had another loss, I likely would, but I wasn’t ready to get too attached. I needed to keep it close until I was into my second trimester. The announcement part of it has been ‘less fun’ and letting people know has come with anxiety, but again, it’s my decision when I’m ready to talk about my pregnancy, end of story.

Find your people! I have a supportive husband, family and friends that I can share how I’m feeling with. I put all of my appointments on my husband’s calendar so he knows they’re happening and I let him know the ones I want him to come with for (even if he has to wait in the car). He doesn’t ask questions and even if he’s on a conference call in the parking lot, knowing he’s there helps. So find your people – whether that’s your partner, a friend, a parent, a doula, whoever – just find people you can share with, and be honest with, the good and the bad.

I know none of this is earth shattering advice, but I do wish as a society we talked about what comes next, how trauma can impact life moving forward and it’s ok to have a little baggage. I know more about what can go wrong than I did when I was pregnant with my now 3-year-old, sometimes I wish I could go back to just being blissfully unaware of potential pregnancy complications.

As I type this, I’m still nervous to share. I’m just hitting 20 weeks and my anxiety, while lessened, is still an ever-present part of my life. What could still go wrong? What if I share my story and I lose the baby or find out baby isn’t viable? While, those are possibilities, and I don’t think I’ll feel completely comfortable until I’m holding this baby, (and let’s be honest, once baby is out, there are a million new worries!) I’ll have this little bit of ‘what ifs’ in the back of my mind. But for me, reading someone’s story who is in it, not necessarily on the other side, can really help.

I know people in this community have gone through losses at all stages of pregnancy and after birth, people who have been struggling with infertility for years and more. I don’t pretend to know what those losses feel like and how they can impact your decisions to try again/move forward. Everyone’s story is unique, I just hope we can all share a little more love, be a little more understanding and offer support as we’re able. 

If you’ve experienced a loss, I’m so sorry. Know you’re not alone and I hope you can find love and comfort. If you’re pregnant after a loss, congratulations! I know how exciting it can feel and also know that if it comes with some hesitation, anxiety, or whatever it is you’re feeling, and that’s ok and you’re not alone. Take the love and support and good vibes where you can find them.